I Know, But…


One of my coaches recently pointed out a sneaky phrase many of us say.

When you start a sentence with “I know, but…” what you really are saying is “I don’t know”.

(Stay with me.)

Listen to these statements:

“I know it’s normal for kids to fight, but I really hate that they do.”

“I know my home can’t be perfectly clean, but I want it to be.”

“I know it’s none of my business, but I still think you should tell me.”

Can you see how my coach is right?

You don’t actually KNOW that it’s normal for kids to fight, otherwise it would accept it as such.

You don’t actually KNOW that your home can’t be perfectly clean, otherwise you would stop trying to make it that way.

You don’t actually KNOW that it’s none of your business, otherwise you wouldn’t try pry it out of someone.

Saying you know when you really don’t know isn’t being honest with yourself.

When you aren’t honest with yourself you end up unhappy.

So start listening to yourself

As soon as you say, “I know, but…” STOP!

And then admit that you don’t really know, but that you’re working on knowing.

You Owe It To Yourself

A woman with a low libido went to a therapist for help.

“I owe it to my husband to figure this out.”

“He deserves better sex.”

That sentiment sounds so selfless and loving.

Problem is it usually backfires.

When you feel like you owe your husband better sex you most likely feel that you are currently inadequate.

When you feel inadequate, you most likely won’t talk to yourself very compassionately.

And you’ll watch for all the ways you aren’t enough and all the ways you let your husband down.

That will only perpetuate the belief that you are inadequate.

Sexual desire just can’t increase when you feel like you are lacking.

But you could look at it this way:

“I owe it to myself to figure this out because I deserve better sex.”

From that thought you will most likely feel empowered and determined and maybe even, dare I say, excited.

When you feel empowered, determined, and excited, you will open yourself up to new thoughts about you and sex.

You will get curious about what it would look like to have the sex life you’ve always wanted.

You will push through the uncomfortable feelings that come from learning to believe something new because you’ll remember that you are doing it for you.

And, you’ll remember that your husband will benefit too.

So, go for it.

You owe it to yourself!

If you want help creating the sexual relationship you’ve always desired, please feel free to contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  to schedule a free consultation.

What’s Your Sexual Identity?

There are people that run…and then there are runners.

There are people that sing…and then there are singers.

There are people that write…and then there are authors.

Those who identify as runners, or singers, or authors think and act differently than those that just run, or sing, or write?

Identity matters.

How you identify yourself matters most.

So, what is your current sexual identity?

Do you even have one?

You most likely do, but you may not have chosen it deliberately.

How you identify yourself sexually will define who you are sexually.

And that is the sexual self you will share.

So, you can be a person that has sex.


You can identify yourself as someone that loves sex,

or is deeply sexual,

or is a fantastic lover.

With one of these identities you will think differently about sex.

Because there are people that have sex…and then there is you!

If you’d like help defining your sexual identity feel free to contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  and we will schedule a free consultation.

“It’s My Birthday Gift To Me! I’m so Happy!” (Kuzco – “The Emperor’s New Groove”)

Today is my friend’s birthday.

She LOVES her birthday.

She wants it to be perfect.

So, her house has been cleaned.

Her gift has been purchased.

Her special evening has been planned.

It’s going to be the best day and she knows it.

Because she has guaranteed it.

She cleaned her house.

She bought her gift.

She planned her special evening.

She knows that she could try to make her husband do it all to prove how much he loves her.

But she knows he loves her.

Anything he does for her is just the icing on a perfect cake.

So, she takes responsibility and makes it exactly what she wants.

It’s her birthday gift to her.

And she is so happy!

If you’d like to learn how to take care of your own needs, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  for a free consultation.

His Love For Me Seems Conditional

You wonder if your husband only loves you if you have sex with him whenever he wants it.

This makes you feel sad, frustrated, and a little angry.

Because you want to feel loved by him.


No matter what.

But now, the only way to feel love from your husband is to have sex with him.

Even if you don’t want to.

Trouble is, you most likely won’t feel loved.

And you could end up not loving your husband.

Because it’s hard to feel love for someone who you have to manipulate into loving you.

It is much easier to love someone that shows unconditional love for you.

But let me ask you this:

Do you feel unconditional love for yourself?

Do you love you, even when you let yourself down?

Or do you get frustrated and beat yourself up for not being all the things you want yourself to be?

How can you expect your husband to love you unconditionally when you can’t even love yourself that way?

So, stop worrying about the conditions your husband has on loving you.

It’s time to decide that you are going to get really good at loving yourself.


Then, you can give yourself the greatest gift.


No matter what.

The Arranged Marriage

Is it uncomfortable and difficult for you to love yourself, right now, as you are?

Do you find it hard to know what you really like?

What you really want?

Who you really are?

If so, imagine that you have just entered into an arranged marriage…

With yourself.

You didn’t choose this person to spend the rest of your days with.

But you do get to choose how the rest of your days with this person are going to be.

You can decide that you are going to love them or not.

One choice will bring you a great deal of happiness.

The other, not so much.

If you were in an arranged marriage, what would you have to do to fill it with love and happiness?

First, you’d need to decide you were going to love this person, no matter what.

This would require you to think loving thoughts about them deliberately and consistently.

Then, you’d want to get to know them.

What do they like to eat, read, or do?

What do they value?

What are their strengths?

What are their gifts?

What are their dreams?

You wouldn’t know all the answers to these questions in a day.

You’d be patient and take the time to watch and learn.

But the whole time you’d be loving them.

You’d see the negative, but you’d choose to accept their imperfections and love them anyway.

Because loving them would feel so much better than hating them.

And loving them would bring you happiness.

So, if you are just discovering yourself after years of not knowing who you are, think of it as an arranged marriage.

And if you are learning to love yourself after years of self-loathing, think of it as an arranged marriage.

You are going to be with you forever.

Decide today that you want to love yourself, regardless of all your flaws and shortcomings.

Because love feels so good and you absolutely deserve it.

And then, get learning all about you.

Because chances are, you will discover that you are the most perfect and amazing person for you to be with forever.

If you’d like some help learning how to love yourself unconditionally, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com to schedule a free consultation.

Flogging Will Continue Until Morale Improves – (Royal Navy ship notice)

You have so many aspects of your life you know you could be better at.
Things you know you shouldn’t fail at or find hard.
Mistakes you should stop making.
Weight you should lose.
Sex you should want to have.
It’s so discouraging.
But you’ve got the perfect solution.
Be as mean as possible to yourself.
Because if you hate yourself, you will definitely feel motivated to change.
“Flogging will continue until morale improves.”
You can’t hate yourself thin.
You can’t beat yourself to sexual desire.
And you can’t loathe yourself to perfection.
You have the proof that this is true and yet you continue to do it.
So now it’s time try something completely new.
Love yourself thin.
Love yourself to sexual desire.
And love yourself enough to give up the notion of perfection.
You might surprise yourself how motivated you feel to improve when you have nothing to prove.
When you want to change just because you like the feeling of progressing and changing.
And really, the worse that will happen is you will stay exactly as you are now but feel completely amazing about yourself.

If you’d like to learn how to stop beating yourself up for being human, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com to schedule a free consultation.

Perfect Harmony

My daughter started piano lessons this year.

She was so excited to learn how to play.

But within a few weeks she began to get frustrated.

She struggled reading the notes in her music book and then placing her fingers where they should go on the keyboard.

Then, just as she got the hang of putting her fingers on the right notes, her teacher added a new skill for her to learn.

Now she had to coordinate two hands on the piano at the same time.

She made lots of mistakes and it didn’t sound anything like she had expected.

She wanted to quit.

She didn’t understand that this was all part of learning how to make beautiful music.

Sometimes people get married and believe that the love they feel should bring complete harmony to their marriage.

Or that their love should make their intimate relationship easy.

But really, when you get married, you are learning a whole new way of living.

You are faced with so many new experiences and expectations.

You make a lot of mistakes.

And, so does he.

Just when you think you are getting it figured out, some new challenge comes along.

Suddenly your marriage doesn’t look anything like you thought it would.

And you want to quit.

But don’t.

Nothing has gone wrong if it hasn’t felt easy.

You are just learning how to make beautiful music in your marriage.

And it takes time and practice and lots and lots of mistakes.

My daughter played a pretty little piece of music at her year-end recital; hands together.

It sounded so lovely.

In that moment, playing the notes in complete harmony, she knew that the journey had been worth it.

If you need help finding the harmony in your marriage, please contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  to schedule a free consultation.

First attempts on the piano – nothing has gone wrong – this is the process

we think love should equal harmony in marriage, ease in intimacy, no frustration.

Did I Forget To Turn Off The Oven?

You are enjoying an intimate moment with your husband and suddenly your to-do list is rolling through your brain.
And just like that, you are disengaged from the moment.
As a wife and mother, you spend your entire day monitoring the to-do list of your family.
It directs every minute of your day.
But when your husband initiates sex, you expect your to-do list to shut up!
Yeah right.
Nothing is wrong with you because your mind wanders during sex.
It has nothing to do with your attraction to your husband or even your feelings about intimacy.
When you are driven by the stress of a full in-box every day, it’s normal that it follows you into your bedroom.
But even though it is normal, it’s not ideal.
You can’t experience your full sexual desire or pleasure when your mind is on all that awaits you outside your bedroom door.
So, when your to-do list starts running, uninvited, through your brain, try this.
First, don’t get irritated by it.
Just acknowledge that it has made a guest appearance.
And then dismiss it and start using your 5 senses to focus on what is happening in that moment.
How do your husband’s hands feel on your skin?
How do his lips taste?
How does he smell?
What do you see?
What do you hear?
This practice excuses your to-do list for the moment and helps you re-engage with your husband.
And with desire and pleasure as well.

Lights Out

Do you want the lights out when you are having sex?

Does the dark make it easier for you to engage sexually because your husband can’t see your flawed body?

Your saggy breasts.
Your soft stomach.
Your fat thighs.

It’s certainly not your idea of sexy.

You feel like there is so much wrong with your body.

It’s called body shame, and if you have it, you will want to hide your body.

But that’s a problem when it comes to sex.

Because, most likely, your husband thinks your body is fantastic and wants to see it while you are being intimate.

You compromise.

Clothes off, but lights out!

In the dark you can be slightly less inhibited without having to be seen.

But if you’re trying to hide you body while having sex, you are holding back, you’re not all in.

Mainly, you’re in your brain worrying about your husband seeing all of you.

It’s very difficult to access sexual arousal and desire when you are worried and trying to hide your body.

Hiding your body and thinking about all your flaws holds you back from experiencing the greatest amount of sexual desire and pleasure available to you.

So what’s to be done?

I’m not going to tell you to turn on the lights, although you can if you’d like.

Lights on isn’t the problem, and therefore, isn’t the solution.

The problem is what you believe about your body and how those beliefs keep you sexually disconnected and limited.

Mentally and physically.

So, the first step you can take is to answer this simple question.

How would sex change for you if you decided to believe that your body was amazing as it is?

Don’t roll your eyes – stay with me.

Think about the human body, in all it’s various shapes and sizes, and all it can do.

The human body is an amazing creation.

And it is wonderful to share your human body with someone you love and adore.

And it’s such a gift to experience your husbands body, too.

So, really picture what it would feel like to accept your body as amazing.

Picture what you would open up to sexually.

And then set your sights on that goal and start working towards it.

It may take baby steps and time.

You may have to start by saying, “I have a human body.”

But that’s much more truthful and kind than, “I hate my body.”

Every step you take towards acceptance will open you up to more sexual desire and pleasure.

Isn’t that worth the journey?

If you need help learning how to accept and love your body, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com to schedule a free consultation.