Love, Your Body

A negative body image can put a real damper on our desire to have sex.

I’m too fat!

I hate my stretch marks.

My breasts are so saggy.

We could list off so many things we just don’t like about our body and use them as reasons to hold back in our sexual relationship or, perhaps, reasons to not have sex at all.

When we talk mean to our body and focus on all the ways it is inadequate it’s hard to feel any sexual desire because we don’t feel sexually desirable.

If you catch yourself being critical of your body, I challenge you to sit down for 5 minutes and write a letter to yourself from your body.

Start with:

Dear (your name),

Let your body tell you everything.

What does your body think of your opinion of it?

What does your body think of itself?

What does your body want you to know about it?

What gift would your body like you to give it?

What gifts has your body tried to give you?

How does your body truly feel?

Sign off with:

Love,

Your Body.

Don’t censor what your body has to say.

Let your body speak.

You may be surprised what it wants you to know.

His Needs Are More Important Than Mine

“His needs are more important than mine.”

You state this as a fact.

“The sky is blue. The grass is green. His needs are more important than mine.”

But this statement is not a fact.

It is just a thought.

I know you want to argue with me.

You have so much proof and the daily evidence can’t be ignored.

“His needs ARE more important than mine. Period!”

But, how do you feel when you believe your husband’s needs are more important than yours?

Worthless?

Defeated?

Irritated?

Angry?

And how do you act towards your husband when you feel those negative emotions?

If your husband’s needs are truly more important than yours it is because you have made it so.

At some point you thought that believing his needs are more important than yours would be helpful to your marriage.

But it’s not.

At any time, you can choose to believe that your needs are your responsibility and his needs are his responsibility.

When you believe this, your needs become the most important needs for you to take care of.

Your husband’s needs become the most important needs for him to take care of.

Once each of you have taken care of your own needs, the two of you can get down to the business of just loving each other.

Perfect, Exactly as It Is!

What would happen if you decided to accept your sexual desire as perfect, exactly as it is right now?
When faced with that question panic can kick in.
“That is a terrible idea!” your brain screams.
It can’t even imagine why you would do that or what that would even look like.
You have so much evidence that your libido is anything but perfect.
Just ask your husband.
No, accepting your desire as it is right now is sexual suicide!
But what if you’re wrong?


Shaming yourself for your low desire has never created more desire for you.
Telling yourself you are broken has never created more desire for you.
Having sex because you feel like you are supposed to has never created more desire for you.
Focusing on how you are unworthy, flawed, or insufficient has never created more desire for you.
So, if trying to shame and blame yourself to a higher libido hasn’t worked, then maybe it is time to try something counterintuitive.

What if you truly decided to accept your sexual desire EXACTLY as it is right now? 
“Nothing is wrong with me or my libido.”
“I am whole and complete as I am.”
“My sexual desire is perfect as it is.”
These thoughts may feel uncomfortable at first but, with practice, they will breed feelings of self-acceptance and self-love.
Then, from those emotions, you may find it really fun to see what sexual desire you can create just because you want to.

If I Like Sex More Will I Want It More?

A few of my clients tell me their husband is positive that if they just LIKED sex more they would WANT sex more.

I ask them if they think that’s true.

They usually tell me that they already really like sex, they just don’t want it as often as their husband does.

This is super confusing to the husband, and sometimes it is super confusing to my client as well.

If you REALLY like something, don’t you want it all the time?

The trouble with this line of thinking is that my client starts to feel that she has to PROVE to her husband, and to herself, that she really likes sex.

She is certain that the best way to prove it is to do it more.

But trying to prove yourself in the bedroom is a libido killer and that makes it harder to want to do it at all.

The truth is, there are many things in life you REALLY like but don’t have to have every day to prove to others, or yourself, that you like them.

Liking something doesn’t mean you have to want it more often.

You just get to love it every time you do get it.

I’m not saying that liking sex more won’t increase your sexual desire – it may.
But, trying to prove that you like sex will never do it for you.

I Want To Want It

“I want to want it.”
This desire often comes from a belief that if you wanted more sex your sexual relationship would finally be easy.
NORMAL.
Most likely your husband agrees with you.
So how come wanting to want it isn’t working?
Pressure!
You believe you NEED to stop fighting about sex with your husband.
You NEED to eliminate your husband’s frustration and hurt feelings.
You NEED to instigate once in a while.
You NEED to prove to the man of your dreams (and to yourself) that you aren’t broken.
These needs create a lot of pressure.
The trouble is, pressure never creates sexual desire.
NEVER.
In fact, it kills desire.
If you want to want more sex you have to start by taking the pressure off.
First, remind yourself that you don’t NEED to want more sex, but you can if you’d like to.
Then, ask yourself what creates genuine sexual desire for you. 
Get curious about it.
See where it takes you.
You might just discover what it really means to WANT to have sex.

What IS A Life Coach, and What Do They DO?

“What IS a life coach, and what do they DO?”

Simply put, a life coach helps people see their current thoughts and how those thoughts are creating their current results.

With this awareness in place, they can be more deliberate about what they WANT to think so they can create the results in their life that they really desire.

In this way, a life coach assists people in living a very INTENTIONAL life, instead of a life on default.

When I hired my first life coach my life was pretty good, but I knew it could be better.

I believed that a life coach could help me take my “good” life to a “great” life.

And she has.

Not through positive affirmations that fall flat in my brain, but by revealing my thoughts to myself and helping me be more deliberate about what I choose to think.

Not by teaching me how to be happy all of the time, but by teaching me how to embrace all the feelings of a beautiful human life.

Not with a to-do list of daily habits, but with a guide that allows me to access my own creativity and find solutions that work for me.

Now I am a life coach and I am here to help others take their life to the next level.

Because that is what life coaches do.