All My Fault

Recently I’ve been toying with the idea that everything in my life is my fault.

Don’t stop reading. Let me explain.

What I really mean is that everything in my life is my responsibility.

Not because I am taking responsibility for other people’s actions and choices.

I’m not.

But I am taking responsibility for everything else; what I think, what I feel, and how I act.

I actually hate to be at fault.

And I am very picky about what I will take responsibility for.

I generally want it to be someone else’s fault; somebody else’s responsibility.

Life seems so much easier that way.

Except…

If it isn’t my fault and I’m not responsible, then how can anything in my life ever change?

If everyone and everything around me are the reason my life is the way it is, how can I create anything different?

I am left at the whim of other people or other things, hoping I’ll get the life I really want.

I could wait a long time for that to never happen.

Or…

I can take responsibility for all the results in my life.

I can own that I have created my life so far, for better or for worse.

And then I can get down to creating what I want going forward.

And it will be all my fault!

FOMO

Are you worried that you are missing out on some “better” sexual experience you should be having.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) looks like this in a sexual relationship:

– I am the only woman that doesn’t orgasm at the same time as her husband.

– This is so easy and natural for everyone else.

– I should want to have sex so much more than I do.

– I bet they never fight about sex.

Focusing on what you believe you are missing out on will actually make you miss out on what is right in front of you.

Your real sexual relationship.

The one with you and your husband.

The one you can create anyway you want.

So, stop looking for the ways you are sexually missing out.

It is robbing you of what you have.

Instead, decide that your current sexual relationship is something you would never want to miss out on.




Why Can’t Sex Be Easy?

I hear this question from my client’s a lot.

Your brain is always seeking for ease.
That is why we love washing machines, iPhones, dishwasher, vehicles, and Skip The Dishes.
Many aspects of your daily life have been made so easy you now feel entitled for EVERYTHING to be easy.

This causes problems.

Anything in life that really matters, like your faith, your education, or your relationships, will never be completely easy.
These things require the best of you and the best of you can only be accessed with deliberate effort.

Effort is not ease.

So, if your sexual relationship doesn’t feel easy for some reason remember that nothing has gone wrong.

It is just asking more of you.

Once you accept that it won’t be easy, you can then decide if it is worth it.

You have done many things in your life that weren’t easy but totally worth it.

Maybe creating your ideal sexual relationship is your next not-so-easy-but-absolutely-worth-it endeavor.

It’s Never Enough

“It doesn’t matter how often we have sex, it’s never enough for him!”

That statement reveals defeat and a little frustration as well.

Actually, a lot of frustration.

You believe that when you have had enough sex with your husband he will feel satisfied and happy, making him so much easier to be around.

He believes it too.

But your idea and his idea of what “enough sex” is doesn’t seem to match.

In fact, it seems to you that there is no such thing as “enough sex” for him.

So, in an attempt to satisfy him, get him off your back, or stop him from pouting, you agree to have sex with him, even when you don’t want to.

Even when it just makes you resent him more.

Better to deal with your own resentment than his nasty mood.

The trouble is, you believe your actions can control his feelings.

You forget that how he feels is always a direct result of what he thinks, not of what you do.

And you’ve seen the proof.

He is still mad/bothered/pouty/sad, even though you had sex with him last night!

It is very frustrating spending your energy on the impossible task of trying to manipulate his emotions.

Especially if you do it at the expense of your own feelings.

So, if you can’t control how he feels, what’s to be done?

Focus on what you can control.
You.

You can control how you show up in your marriage.

You do that by focusing on your own thoughts, not his.

You do that by managing you own feelings, not his.

This allows you to access the best version of you.

 And that’s enough!





But Who’s Counting?

You don’t want to keep track of how often you are having sex…but you know he is.

It feels like a weapon he uses against you; his ammunition for getting more sex.
The only counter measure available is for you to keep track as well.
If you have the information, you know when an expectation will arise and therefore decrease the chance of a surprise attack.
You also know when you have a guilt-free “no” available to you.
Counting seems like such a great strategy for guaranteeing you get what you want (or don’t want) out of your sexual relationship.
In reality, keeping track of sex is more likely to ruin your sex life than improve it.

Often the “acceptable” number is arbitrary and subject to sudden change, depending on your husbands mood.

This creates feelings of helplessness.

You also have to keep a really accurate tally for it to be an effective defensive weapon.

This creates stress.

Helplessness and stress are not very sexy.

In fact, these feelings kill sexual desire and build resentment for your spouse, who you see as the enemy in the battle of sexual quotas.

So, what if you decide that your husband can count, he can keep track forever, but you are going to stop?

For you.

When you give up the defensive strategy of tallying up your sex there is no battle.

Then you can start using all that brain power to create the sexual relationship you really want.

The one where you have sex with your husband from a place of love and desire instead of a place of pressure and duty.

What If You’re Wrong About That?

Sometimes your brain offers you thoughts that feel like facts.

Brain: He is so selfish.

That is true.

Brain: You just don’t have a sexy body.

That is true.

Brain: It takes you too long to feel aroused.

That is true.

But what if it’s not true?

What if you’re wrong about it all?


What if he isn’t selfish?

What if you do have a sexy body?

What if it doesn’t take you too long to feel aroused?

Your “truths” are just your thoughts and sometimes your thoughts aren’t helping your sex life, or any area of your life for that matter.

When you believe thoughts that create resentment, or self-loathing, or shame, you are not going to act like your best self.

When you question your thoughts with “what if I am wrong about that?” or “what if that’s not true?” you open up your mind to positive possibility.

Start watching what your brain offers you.

Then question it all and decide intentionally what you want to believe.

Just as It Should Be

How often do you talk about your relationships like they have a problem; like something has gone wrong?
“We have marriage problems.”
“I have a problem with my boss.”

“This child is a problem.”

These thoughts really aren’t true.
Human relationships have opposition:
   :the good
   :the bad
   :the happy
   :the sad
   :the easy
   :the difficult
This is the human experience.
A marriage has opposition.
A job has opposition.
A parent has opposition.
Opposition provides contrast, which gives you the richest human experience.
When you feel like you have a problem, remember that what you really have is a true-blue human relationship and things are just as they should be.

Which Pain Will You Pick?

You want things to be different in your sexual relationship.

The way things are right now causes you a lot of pain.

Your heart says, “There has to be another way.”

Your brain says, “There could be, but what if it hurts?!? YOU may have to change and he may NOT change. This sounds terribly uncomfortable. And what if you fail? Nothing hurts quite like that!”

Then your brain starts offering you reasons to just keep things as they are.

“It’s really not that bad.”
“Better the pain you know, right?”

Your brain is actually telling you the truth.

There is going to be pain either way.

If you keep things as they are you will feel pain and discomfort.

If you change things you will feel pain and discomfort.

The difference is that one keeps you stuck and the other brings you closer to a future with unimaginable potential.

Which pain will you pick?

Your Story

Every day your thoughts write the story of your life.
Your thoughts aren’t facts.
Your thoughts are just the story you tell yourself about your life; your past, your present and your future.
This is the best news ever because you can decide exactly what you want your story to be.

My coach once offered me the option of rewriting the story of my past as a love story instead of a tragedy.
I felt like I would have to lie to myself.
She reminded me that the story of my past was only made up of my thoughts and all of my thoughts were optional.
My current story was full of resentment, frustration, and sadness.
She offered me the opportunity to write a story that was forgiving, understanding, and loving.
I wrote about two people who loved each other deeply and did the best the could with what they knew.
I wrote about two people who were flawed and human but committed to each other.
I wrote about how it must have felt to be on the other side of the relationship and how the man of my dreams never intended to hurt me.
I wrote how I was responsible for my feelings all along and how I made the choices I did because I thought they would bring me the most happiness.
I wrote about how ALL of my journey has brought me to where I am now and how it’s exactly where I want to be.
My new story felt so much better and, shockingly, just as true as my old one.
What’s your story going to be?

Eye Spy



Your eye sees what your brain looks for.

If you think your husband is selfish, that is what you will see.

If you think your libido is malfunctioning, that is what you will find.

If you think you are treated unfairly, that is what you will notice.

Your brain wants to be right and it will always find proof that it is.

If you believe you have a frustrating sexual relationship, guess what you will find.

If you believe your body is broken, guess what you will see.

If you believe you will fight about sex for the rest of your married life, guess what you will do.

BUT…

If you think there is a way to have a beautiful sexual relationship, guess what you will discover.

If you think that your sexual desire is perfect exactly as it is, guess what you will find.

If you think your husband is an amazing man, guess what you will notice.

Decide today what you want to see and then start looking for it!