I Think We’re Alone Now…

You are having an enjoyable sexual experience with your husband but one fear lingers in the back of your mind.

The interruption!

Even if the door is locked, the rattling of the door handle stops your heart.

And stops the momentum of your foreplay.

Because an interruption is like pushing the “rewind” button on your sexual arousal.

What if the lock fails?? What if they heard something??

You lay quietly, hoping the little interrupter will march themselves back to bed.

Or that the teenager will figure out it’s not a good time.

Sometimes, as quietly as they came, they leave.

But other times the knocking starts, or the tears come, or “I need to talk,” is whispered through the door.

One of you swears under their breathe while the other climbs out of bed to get dressed.

All of this has happened to you before and that is why it can weigh heavy on your mind.

Your husband is coming onto you but you are fearful that you might have an uninvited guest.

The knocking of this thought in your brain is as desire killing for you as the actual knock on your door would be.

You can do your best to eliminate possible interruptions but, without eliminating the fear in your mind, there is only so much you can do.

Instead, decide to accept that interruptions may come and that’s okay.

Once you accept it, your fear will diminish and you will have much more access to sexual desire.

Then you can start finding creative ways to manage the situation when a visitor does come knocking.

If you need help learning new ways to think about interruptions, please contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  and we will schedule a free consultation.

The Chase – A Thrill For The Hunter. A Kill For The Hunted

When a predator is hungry they start hunting.
They need to kill and eat their prey to satisfy their gnawing hunger.
Because hunger is uncomfortable.
So ,the predator lays in wait in the long grass by the water hole.
Once their prey comes into sight they pounce and the chase begins.
The prey, in frantic despair, runs for it’s life. Literally!
Sometimes, the predator/prey dynamic exists in your sexual relationship.
And your husband is the predator.

He has a hunger for sex and it seems like he will stop at nothing to satisfy it.
You, on the hand, feel like his prey.

And when you feel like you are being hunted, you run.
Your freedom to choose if you want sex feels threatened.
And that is a desire killer.
Often, your husband doesn’t realize how desperate he is acting. 
And your resistance to his advances only increases his desperation.
So he chases harder and you run faster.
You can’t stop your husband from chasing you.
So, what’s to be done?
STOP RUNNING!
Even if he still chases.
Even if he acts desperate.

You understand why he feels desperate.
He’s trying to eliminate the unpleasantness of rising sexual desire.

You know he doesn’t feel ok; that he’s uncomfortable.

But you know that he is ok., even if he is uncomfortable.

You can decide if you want to have sex.
Not because you have the responsibility to take care of his desire.
But because it is yours to give.

It’s your choice.

And when you remember you have a choice you have access to genuine sexual desire.
If you’re tired of feeling chased, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  and we can schedule a free consultation.

Get Your Foot Off The Brake!

When it comes to sexual arousal, everybody has brakes and accelerators.

In the book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski teaches this concept beautifully.

The accelerators are the things that move you towards sex.

The brakes are the things that stop you from moving towards sex.

For the majority of men, they have highly sensitive accelerators.

For the majority of women, they have highly sensitive brakes.

Stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and overwhelm are some examples of feelings that will engage your sexual brakes.

One key to increasing your sexual desire is to find out what moves you towards sex and what holds you back.


If you are a woman that has sensitive brakes though, it’s going to be more important for you to learn how to take your foot OFF OF THE BRAKE before you try to figure out how to accelerate.

Here’s why:

Imagine you are in your vehicle with your left foot firmly planted on the brake.

Then, with your left foot still in place, you plant your right foot on the accelerator.

The car remains still.

That’s because with your foot firmly on the brake the car can’t move, no matter how hard you push the gas pedal.

This is the same when it comes to sex.

You can have all the stars aligned for the ideal sexual experience but, if your sexual brakes are on, it most likely won’t happen.

If you have sensitive brakes, the goal for you right now is to just become aware of what thoughts and feelings engage them.

The awareness is the first step to letting up on your brakes.

Because, let’s face it, a car in drive will move when your foot comes off of the brake, even if you don’t hit the accelerator.

If you need help figuring out what feelings are engaging your brakes, please contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com to schedule a free consultation.


Mine to Give

Before you were married you couldn’t keep your hands off the man of your dreams.

Then you got married.

And a switch flipped.

Now you have days when you’d prefer if he would just keep his hands off of you.

Where did all that desire go?

You’re husband is confused, but not as confused as you are.

But you should know that this isn’t unusual.

Here is one reason it happens:

Before you were married, your sexuality was yours and yours alone.

Your beloved wanted it but could only access what you would allow him to have.

This was exciting for both of you.

Then came the wedding day.

And all of the nonsense the world had taught you kicked in.

Especially the story that a women’s sexuality was made to service a man’s sexual “needs”.

Your sexuality suddenly went from being yours to give, to his to have.

And there didn’t seem to be any legitimate reason not to let him have it.

Now you feel like you have to have sex; that you have no choice.

If you believe there is no choice, you won’t feel like you have any autonomy.

A decrease in your sexual autonomy will decrease your sexual desire.

So, you could view your sexuality as a gift you choose to share with your husband.

However, like any gift, if it is not given freely there will be an element of resentment.

Resentment will never create sexual desire.

Whereas, a gift given freely and willingly brings joy and satisfaction to the giver.

Those feelings are much better bedmates for creating the sexual desire you want.

If you need help creating the sexual desire you want, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  to schedule a free consultation.

Sweet Relief



He’s not home tonight.

You would never admit it to him, but it’s a relief.

It’s not because you don’t love your husband.

It’s not because you don’t like to spend time with him.


But it’s so nice to NOT have to think about his needs for a night.

The pressure is off.

And it feels good.


But you also kind of feel guilty about it.


You’re sure your husband would be so offended if he knew the truth.

Because he would think it meant something negative about him.

The real reason you feel guilty though, is because you make it mean something negative about you.

You’re a bad wife.

You are selfish.

But are those thoughts even true?

You are a woman who has so many people to care for in the day.

And it’s completely normal to feel relief when your “load” is decreased.

Even by one.

So, stop ruining the sweet relief by guilting yourself.

Just relax and enjoy your night “off”.



If you struggle with guilt, contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com  to set up a free coaching consultation.








Am I Normal?


Am I normal?
When it comes to sex, women ask themselves this question a lot.

They ask things like:

Is it normal for my mind to wander when I am having sex?
Is it normal to not orgasm during intercourse?
Is it normal to want less sex than my husband?
The answer to all of these questions is yes.
YOU…ARE…NORMAL!
Because, when it comes to sex, there really isn’t any normal.

Think about it.


I mean really, think about it.


You don’t have the same body as anyone else.


You don’t have the same personality as anyone else.


You don’t have the same brain as anyone else.


Therefore, your sexuality is like everything else about you; entirely unique.


And that’s normal.


So you’re normal.



If you need help believing your sex life is normal, feel free to email me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan@gmail.com and we can schedule a free consultation.




Can’t Stop Thinking About It

Do you find yourself thinking about sex a lot, but not in a good way?

“Will he expect sex tonight?” (Anxiety)

“I think that kiss just committed me to something I may not have the energy for later.” (Trapped)

“I’m going to have to have sex tonight.” (Pressure)

“He’ll be so pouty if I say no.” (Resentful)

All this thinking about sex, but you don’t feel turned on.

That’s because you believe you are responsible for how your husband thinks or feels about sex and he believes the same thing.

The problem is, human’s aren’t good at managing each other’s thoughts and emotions, so even your best efforts will probably fail.

The most likely result will be that neither of you is really happy.

So, instead of spending your days thinking about how to manage his feelings about sex, why don’t you start focusing on how you want to feel about it.

Your feelings are only coming from the thoughts you are thinking.

And the great news is that you can choose what you want to think.

Wouldn’t it be nice to think about sex a lot, but in a good way?


In a way that creates sexual desire?

Start brainstorming some thoughts that draw you towards desire.

For example, you could think, “I love how sex feels.” or “I’m good at sex.” or “Sex is really exciting.”

Hint: they will not have words like “I should” or “I have to” or “I must”.

Experiment with this a little until you find what works for you.

Then, when your brain starts to think about sex you can purposely direct it to one of your new thoughts.

You might surprise yourself with what you create when you focus on managing your thoughts and emotions instead of your husbands.

As a life coach I can help you learn how to manage your thoughts and emotions so you can create the life you really want. Contact me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com for a free consultation.

Weeds

A healthy self-esteem is key to a healthy sex life.

I want to share an analogy with you I read recently.

Each of our minds is like a garden where we have many different plants or thoughts.

Some of the plants in our garden we were given to us by a parents, a teacher, or a friend.

Others we planted deliberately.

Some of these plants really beautify our garden or nourish us.

Others don’t.

We have all varieties.

And then, creeping under the fence of our garden, the weeds of self-criticism appear.

They are deceptive little weeds that tell us they will be useful in our garden.

“We will keep your garden humble.”

Everyone’s garden has some of us in them. Only the conceited gardeners keep us out and you don’t want to be one of those do you?”

So, instead of plucking those weeds instantly out of our garden we decide to nourish them and cultivate them.

They begin to take over our garden.

They choke out the plants that used to nourish us.

They make us feel bad for keeping the plants that don’t.

They criticize every plant we have in our garden and use it as proof that we are not good gardeners.

We believe them, so we spend our days trying to prove to those weeds that we are worthy gardeners.

We hate those weeds but we are too scared to get rid of them.

They have been a part of our garden for so long, maybe they are right about us.

Besides, it seems impossible to kill them.

But guess what?

The greatest gift you can give yourself is to get rid of those weeds.

And it’s completely possible.

They don’t even require weed killer.

Just stop nourishing them.

Tell those weeds that you are the gardener and you are choosing to let them die.

When a weed of self-criticism rears its ugly head, you remind yourself that you don’t feed those thoughts anymore.

Instead, start nourishing the bush of belief.

Belief that you are worthy just as you are, right now.

As you do, your self-esteem will increase.

Suddenly everything in your life will look different.

Even your sex life!

As a coach, I have the privilege of helping people get rid of those weeds of self-criticism and reclaim their garden.

If you feel like you could use help in overcoming the weeds of self-criticism please email me at jamelyn@jamelynstephan.com and we can set up a free consultation.

And That’s Okay

These three little words can change everything.

Take for example these thoughts:

I’m too tired to have sex tonight.

My husband will be so disappointed if I don’t have sex with him.

We are arguing about sex again.

These can feel like discouraging thoughts.

But, add three little words and look what happens:

I’m too tired to have sex tonight, and that’s okay.

My husband will be so disappointed if I don’t have sex with him, and that’s okay.

We are arguing about sex again, and that’s okay.

The feeling you get from these new thoughts is completely different.

And that’s okay!

A Letter To Your Past



Today I saw a sign that read, “Dear Past,

                                                       Thanks so much for the lessons.

Have you ever considered writing a thank you letter to your past or would it classify more as hate mail?

 

Dear Past,

That never should have happened to me.

This has always been so hard for me.

Nothing ever went right for me.

 Thanks for nothing!

            Me

I decided to write a genuine thank you letter to my past.


Here is part of it:

Dear Past,

I have learned so much from you.

You taught me that people pleasing doesn’t work.

You taught me that what you say about others will most likely get back to them.

You taught me that I can do hard things.

You taught me that I can forgive.

You taught me that it is better to tell the truth the first time.

You taught me that many people carry hidden pain, so be kind.

I cannot thank you enough for these important lessons.

Love,

Me

When I wrote this letter I was filled with gratitude for my past.


Now it’s your turn.


What would you like to thank your past for?